The Anger

Lately here it seems I only have one emotion, and it is anger. It's a byproduct of continual frustration and disappointment from the people around me, the people I care about, and society at large.

I have purposely withdrawn every escape mechanism and vice from my system in order for me to learn how to deal with my overwhelming workload and my continual frustration with the outside world.

Everybody else gets to self-medicate, they get to booze and drug their way into a perpetual state of numbness. Everybody else gets to distract themselves with doomsday media scrolling and Netflix and dumbass video games. Everybody on Earth has some sort of cherished escape mechanism in order for them to deal with their emotional debt service.

And as of the time writing this, it has been the hardest it has ever been for me not to seek some sort of distraction to relieve the pressure just a little bit.

There aren't many people on earth that can relate to my position. It's unimaginable for the average normie to even remotely understand, yet they will distract themselves and escape at the drop of a hat at the slightest whimsical pressure. My entire existence is pressure and stress.

There are so many times when I hear that voice: fuck it, they don't give a fuck, why should you? Just give up.

And that voice is right. Why do I give a fuck? Nobody out here gives a shit even though they jump up and down that they do. It's all self-serving bullshit personal narratives to try to get one over on each other. Then I got to listen to it, and while it's coming out of their mouth all I want to do is strangle them. I can see it in their fucking eyes before they unfold their bullshit.

And this wouldn't be so bad if it was just a rare case here and there, but it is literally everyone at all times. Nobody wants to get somewhere. Nobody wants to really get on with it.

And it is not healthy for me. It's not healthy for other people as well because you never know when I can eventually have enough and blow the fuck up and burn bridges that can never be repaired. Because I'm nasty like that. When I've had enough, I want the pain to stop and I'll do whatever it takes to remove the bullshit from my existence.

I have way too much hate in my heart, and despite all that I know, it can be very challenging for me to rectify that.

It's the lack of listening and the lack of seeing and the lack of showing the fuck up and the lack of honesty and clarity that I fucking hate with every ounce of my being.

Mostly because I know it just wastes our precious time together. And I want to get someplace. I don't want to fiddle-fuck around in La La Land like all of these dipshits.

I will figure this out regardless. And I may be all by myself at the end of it, but if that's where the truth leads me, so fucking be it.

We can never do anything with the external world. We cannot make people understand us. We can't get people to tell and seek the truth. We can't do the work for them no matter how much we love them. There's nothing we can do with other people.

"The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way."
— Marcus Aurelius